On fitting in...
A letter to my sons (one in high school, two in college)
“The place in which I'll fit will not exist until I make it.”
— James Baldwin
Fitting in is a farce.
We spend so much energy conforming — learning the rules, following them, only to find they’ve changed again. No wonder it feels like a full-time job. But it is not your job and it is not your fault. The game was designed this way.
The signs keep shifting: a new school, a new city, a new stage of life. You’ll never completely fit in—not really. So the real choice is this: Will you chase an ever-moving target, or will you be brave enough to follow your own way?
We’re taught to consume: other people’s wants, ideas, solutions. But we rarely give space to our own. Imagine what would happen if that same energy went into cultivating your gifts and sharing your originality. Creativity is not reserved for a chosen few—it’s our birthright.
And here’s the irony: the very feeling that makes us small—that ache of not fitting in—is also what unlocks creativity.
Are you the only one?
Technically, yes. There has never been anyone exactly like you: your mind, your soul, your experiences. You are a true original.
But you’re not the only one who feels like the only one. And when you ask yourself that question—Am I the only one?—what you’re really asking is: If I’m so unique, why do I feel invisible?
You’re not invisible. You’re not a ghost. You might just be a quiet misfit.
The quiet misfit
A misfit doesn’t have to be loud, rebellious, or covered in tattoos. You can look perfectly “normal” on the outside and still feel worlds apart inside. I feel this too. I carry worlds within that most people never see. But on the outside?
Safe.
Acceptable.
Like everyone else.
(Might as well be invisible.)
The tragedy of that grey shell is that it encourages others to hide too. Everyone projects their expectations onto each other, while our real light stays hidden. We all lose when we hide behind fences we’ve built ourselves.
But here’s the truth: the very things we hide—the quirks, the mistakes, the imperfections—are what make us most interesting, most human, and most creative.
A better question
We constantly scold ourselves with Who do you think you are? But really—who better than you to know? You’ve been you the longest.
The real question is: Who are you?
It’s not an easy answer. It’s the work of a lifetime. But it’s worth it. Because the world doesn’t need more copies—it needs the spark that only you can bring.
Go light that fire.
Love this! Transitions are the hardest for everyone, but for teens...change can be overwhelming. My YA novel deals with some pretty big transitions in my MC's life, and the message is 'Stand out, be bold, never the chameleon who blends or bends to the wishes of the crowd.' Choosing to be honest allows others to be honest and comfortable in their own skin too. It's a huge aspiration, and one that doesn't always come easily, but it sure is worth working toward.